I think I figured out something last night while trying to get to sleep. For as long as I can remember, I’ve half-assed every important thing in my life that I didn’t feel like dealing with. I go the extra mile for friends and stuff but for school, work, working out, eating right, etc. I’ve half-assed it (with exceptions, of course). I never knew why. So I was laying around thinking about the job search, which I vastly underestimated how anxiety inducing it would be, and I realized that I really don’t like doing my best and giving my all because I’m afraid of getting hurt and rejected. Same reason why I never made a website in years past. I didn’t want to put myself out there and be proud of what I do only to get shat on by the outside world.
It’s been the same with girls, school, whatever. But you know what? It’s a bullshit way of thinking. I can’t live in my own world thinking everything will be okay without doing anything like I did when I was younger. I need to stop sabotaging my own life and future. I have to stand on my own and find out what I am good at, work on things I’m less adept at, generally make myself a better person. Then and only then will I be happy and comfortable with who I am and thus become someone that other people are happy to be with.
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